my miscarriage

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Yes I had a miscarriage and I was really sad about it but I just want to back track to the beginning so that you have context.

When my husband and I got married we went to pre-marital counselling and one of the things we discussed was having children, not that we hadn’t discussed it before but just understanding the importance of being on the same page. Some people do not want to have children and it needs to be quite clear upfront so that everyone knows what they are getting themselves into. We were clear that our marriage wasn’t hinged on having children, if we had them it would be great and if it didn’t happen for us that would also be fine. As a result we didn’t really plan to have kids so when we found out we were pregnant with our first son, it was quite the surprise for us. When it happened, we had just moved cities and started new jobs so the timing was certainly not ideal but it was happening and we had to prepare ourselves and for the baby. My birth story is a post for another day, what matters for now is that baby came and all was well. We decided that we don’t want to have an only child, we would prefer that they have a sibling because we both grew up with siblings so baby number 2 was going to happen as to when, well only God knew.

I am grateful that with my pregnancies, I have never had to track my period, ovulation period etc., we just kind of lived our lives as per normal, eliminated contraception and the pregnancies would happen when they happened. I found out I was pregnant with our second baby in early August 2017, again the timing was not ideal. We had just moved cities again and I had just started a new job. Despite the obvious, we were excited that it was happening finally and we would be done with making babies once this one arrived. On a Sunday afternoon in late September, I noticed a tinge of pink on my panty liner, I panicked initially but brushed it off after some googling and realised that it was normal for some women. On Monday morning the pink tinge had become bright red, blots of bright red. My husband called our gynae and we saw him that same morning. He checked and everything was fine with the baby and prescribed medication and bed rest for the whole week. When I got home, I took the medication and stayed in bed as per doctors’ orders. I spent most of the time googling symptoms of miscarriages and reading about other women’s physical experiences during a miscarriage and honestly nothing that I read prepared me for my own experience.

I had been in bed since Monday afternoon and in the early hours on Thursday, I started bleeding as if I was on my period. At around 6am, the cramps started and they were excruciating. The bleeding got heavier as the day wore on and finally at around 12:30 I felt a huge clot of blood exit my body and the cramps stopped immediately and I knew that the baby was gone. My husband had already called the doctor earlier and they had managed to secure a bed for me at the hospital. We went to hospital in the afternoon and my gynae came to see us later in the day, he checked for the baby and sadly confirmed my suspicions. I had to go into theatre the next morning so that they could clean my womb and that was also how they were able to determine that it was a girl. We were notably sad about it, I think more so because our doctor explained that nothing was wrong or went wrong, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

I had to go back to work and find a way to get through this emotionally and mentally. The first thing for me was to count my blessings and the things that I was grateful for. I was blessed to already be a mother to my son and grateful to be healthy and still young enough to have another chance to have a baby (I had another baby recently and he is almost a year old now). These few things carried me through those following months. I also went back to the gym and got a personal trainer to gym with me. I wasn’t really interested in weight loss (which I needed!), I just wanted to ensure that my body would be healthy and strong, it ended up being a great distraction that made me feel confident and boosted my mental capacity to get through the day.

I wasn’t eager to get pregnant again immediately, I knew that it would happen at the right time because honestly I had played a very small part on the timings of both my previous pregnancies. What I also learnt about miscarriage is that it’s a different experience for every woman especially seeing as I didn’t come across anything on the internet that resembled my experience. There are far too many factors at play to be able to share a play by play of what will happen but I do believe that by sharing my experience, it might offer comfort to someone else who is desperately wants to feel like they are not alone in what they are going through.

8 Comments

  1. Silindile
    April 3, 2020 / 5:58 am

    Oh Phume. I’m so sorry to learn of this. It seems you have healed and are doing well. Recently I’ve been thinking about how we take it for granted that when we think of having a baby, it’s no struggle. It just happens. And with my third one on the way, I’m not taking for granted how the journeys have been smooth and have presented me two healthy and perfect children. It’s good to know you continued to count your blessings. You have two beautiful boys. God is faithful and his timing, perfect. Stay blessed

    • makhosazane
      April 3, 2020 / 12:15 pm

      Thank you Sli.

      • Zanele
        April 3, 2020 / 10:08 pm

        Thank you for sharing your experience Phume, to me it’s an amazing story of resilience and strength. It also indicates to me the faithfulness of God and His restoration power. You are blessed with 2 beautiful boys and a baby girl in heaven. Count yourself very blessed.

      • makhosazane
        April 4, 2020 / 10:34 am

        Thank you Zanele 🙂

  2. Masi
    April 3, 2020 / 10:22 pm

    This story just reminded me of our story. 2016 relocated shortly after giving birth , 2017 I am preggors , see doctor a few days later lost the baby ( I still have the pics of my preggy test) plan was to always do 2 under 2’s whilst away. As you say? I also haven’t been too eager for #2 since but ke God will do his will. Life post miscarriage is also different. I am very much ok with an only child, but for her it would be good to have pal.

    • makhosazane
      April 4, 2020 / 10:37 am

      Oh I am so sorry Masi, I completely understand where you are.
      Everybody processes it differently and I think what is most important is to just do what works for you.
      Love you.

  3. Maprem
    August 25, 2020 / 11:20 am

    I am so sorry to hear your story Phume but as you’ve mentioned it’s all part of God’s plan. A misscarriage is a painful experience filled with so many questions with my experiences I found comfort in prayer and also reading up about other women’s experiences and that changed my outlook though it was different with each one but I am so grateful to God that we still have 2 beautiful kids alive.
    Indeed we need to count our blessings fertility issues affect so many women differently that to some even the process of conception becomes so mechanical. We atleast have our rainbow kids.
    Blessings to you and your family 👑👑👑👑

    • Phume
      Author
      August 25, 2020 / 11:25 am

      Thank you Maprem, your word mean so much. I am so sorry that you went through the same thing and you are right, we truly are blessed!

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